I'm not having a good time. Broke as usual but I really wanted to get something nice for Jada's birthday. I ordered her that $80 Criminal Minds box set and it said it got delivered on Saturday but it wasn't on the porch. I'm afraid someone stole it :( hopefully it's just at the post office. I'll go see tomorrow

I've been having panic attacks all weekend. I keep thinking about the inevitability of death. I don't want to die. It's not fair I or anyone I love has to die. It's been messing me up for the past three days and I don't really know how to function. I dunno how to describe it exactly. I feel like an immortal being whose just learned they've been turned mortal. It's like I've become hyper aware of my body decomposing around me. My mind feels immortal but my body clearly isn't. I've become too aware of it.

Regardless, the swag carries on! Jada wants Outback for her birthday. I was gonna take her to V's, a slightly fancier Italian place since she likes italian, but she didn't really like their menu. Fine by me, Outback is cheaper. Whatever makes her happy! I'm getting her a Biscoff cookie cake from Baskin Robbins too. I just want her to have a good birthday, regardless of insufficient funds.

What a week! I went camping with my buddy Geo and a bunch of other trans guys over the weekend and we had a ball! A few trans ladies popped in here and there which was nice, but it was mostly trans guys for the weekend and it was honestly really nice not feeling weird for once. I just felt like a normal dude. I always feel like that while camping. Something about being out in nature makes all the weird human social expectations seem stupid. Jada hung out with the guys in the beginning and they really liked her!

I had my first top surgery consultation on Thursday and it went really well! Marci applauded me on quitting smoking and losing weight, and if everything goes well after my next consultation on Nov 5th, we could get me a Feb-March surgery date! It would be so cool to get top surgery on/.near my birthday!

Right after my consultation, I wanted to go doordashing to earn some extra money for my surgery, but on our very first delivery I hit a curb AND OUR TIRE FUCKING EXPLODED!!!! Spent the better part of the day putting on the spare, and on Friday I ended up spending almost $300 getting that tire and the one in the back with the big ass nail in it replaced. SO....in an effort to make more money I ended up even poorer. Ain't that a bitch. But it's okay! The swag continues!!!! I shall make more money and get that surgery!!!

The alternative art fair went better than I expected! Made way less than I usually do at these sorts of things, but still more than I thought I would. It started raining as soon as we started setting up our tent and kept raining on and off the entire night, but there was still a nice trickle of people. Ultimately, I only made about $200 but at least I have rent now! And besides, all the extra product can go towards my next event. I know there's a bunch in October-December. At least then I won't be rushing last second to make patches and stickers.

I tried making cinnamon raisin bread for Jada last night since she's been feeling down lately, but it was a disaster! I somehow managed to burn the outside and leave the inside raw. I'm truly talented.

We're so broke dude. September has not been a good month for money. Tips have been shit at work and we're just not that busy this time of year, especially with how high gas prices are getting and the holidays coming up. I'm just stressed cuz Jada's birthday is coming up and I want her to have a good one :( I shall try my best but I always feel like I fail.

I had a pretty good weekend! Had a lot of fun with my girlfriend. I took her to a couple of yarn stores and went to an underground independent film festival on friday. Most of the films weren't very good but it was still fun. Some of them were french student films that were in black and white. DO the French not have access to color film? On saturday we went to a little farm not too far from us because they were hosting a monarch viewing. There were a lot of cute little vendors. Some had vegan ice cream and organic lemonade and homemade pastries and the sort. I got us both a t-shirt too. We even made cyanotype pictures. All very fun! I spent way too muchm this weekend.

I really need to get started preparing for the alternative art event on the 26th. I always wait til the last second and always regret it. At least this time I already have most of the stuff I need done. I need to make some more stickers, prints, patches, and zines. I should get on that tomorrow.

I've been kind of depressed. No more than usual i suppose, but it's getting hard to look past it. I should get back on my diet. I'm starting to gain weight again. My goal weight is 150lbs and right now I'm at 174lbs. I'm so close to my goal!

XoXo Hugo

I've been feeling kind of lost lately. Ever since the tattoo shop closed down, I've felt like I have no direction in life. I mean, I can just start my apprenticeship back up and truck along, but this would be the second time a shop I was working at closed before I could get fully licensed. It's so frustrating. I don't even know if I wanna be a tattoo artist anymore at this rate.

Luckily, I have some tabling events to keep myself occupied. I'm working an alternative event held at an abandoned skate park. Selling my wares and whatnot. I need to get back to that; making stickers and hats and patches and stuff. I just ordered some business cards. I used to just print them at home on cardstock but I feel like I have a big enough following that I should just bite the bullet and invest in (fairly) good stuff.

My hair is growing out nicely, at least! Found some more grey hairs but that's okay. I'm okay with aging. Honestly didn't think I'd make it this far so I'll embrace it.

I've been working on my sleep schedule. I take my sleeping pills around 8pm and get off all devices around 11pm. Then I step outside on the balcony, smoke a single cigarette, eat a pbj, drink some chamomile tea, and read a book until I fall asleep. So far it's been working! I should stop smoking, at least in time for my top surgery consultation. I'll stop once the 26th hits.

Ultimately, I can tell I'm going through a depressive episode, but I can also tell my depression is getting less severe. The difference between just a year ago and now is pretty noticeable. Before, I would have said that nothing ever gets better and wallow in my bed but now, I think things will get better! They're not good right now but they're better.

XoXo Hugo

I think it can be concluded that August just isn't my month. I spent half of it sick as a dog, a storm knocked out only our power even though we live in an apartment building, Dolly Parton and Tim Curry died, Our car battery died and I had to spend over $300 on a new one, and the cherry on top? The tattoo shop I work at is shutting down and I have to get all my stuff out by the end of tomorrow. Yep. Just got the news today. Just swell.

I dunno what I'm gonna do. I'm less than 100 hours away from getting licensed. I WILL GET MY LICENSE!!!

my life fucking sucks ( -_ゝ-) I need a day to wallow. Just to get it outta my system so I can get back on track. I think after work I'll treat myself to some Wendy's and lay in bed and watch some Lain. That is, after I help Josh clean out his tattoo station.

XoXo Hugo

I think cars require too many different liquids to live. I think they should only use one liquid called "Car Juice" that you pour directly into a hole in the engine and it runs for a week straight. The liquid is white too so whenever two cars crash into each other, it looks gross and uncomfortable, encouraging people to drive safely. I dunno what it's made out of, I'll leave that to the scientists

Anyways, I had a shit week.

I started off the week with falling in the shower. I managed to fall on both my knees, hit my ribs on the corner of the tub, bruise my wrist, and got shampoo in my eyes. Just slippery and scared. Butt cheeks flapping in the wind as I fight for my life. That was on Monday.

It was crazy busy this week. One lady ordered 10 gigantor sized pizzas at 10am. She did tip me $50 but it pushed all my prep back by 30 minutes.

I've had a low grade fever all week

Just a real poop week.

XoXo Hugo

I was really sick on Friday. I powered through work but as soon as I got home it was over with. I made a really good chicken noodle soup and downed some generic NyQuil and was out. Jada did my chores for me which was really sweet.

I really wanted to go to Nirvana on Saturday but Jada said I should rest some more and she was probably right. I spent all weekend just resting which was actually really nice!

The cough syrup has kept me mildly high this entire weekend so I don't mind just laying around, though I hope I'm tip-top shape tomorrow for work. If work goes fine, I'll treat myself to the coffee shop!

XoXo Hugo

Today was absolutely wretched. I didn't get to sleep til 3am, just for me to wake back up at 5am from a night terror and pelvic pain. I really need to go to the gyno but what if they find something weird in there? Like bees or something? That would be scary.

Then of course work was awful. The one day I feel like actual dog shit is the one day this week where we're busy. One of the customers literally called me over like I was a dog. Then another dude brought an actual dog inside the restaurant and was actively training it in the middle of the lunch rush!!!!! But If i called them out I'd get punished???? I swear this city is like some Kafkaesque nightmare designed specifically to piss me off.

I only made $20 in tips today and I come home to dishes in the sink that I know I did not put there, fur all over the floor AND A HEADACHE THE SIZE OF UTAH. The only mildly good thing that happened today is Kimmie at the record store gave me a $2 discount on the Aimee Mann CD I picked up. It's been there for years but I always decided against it. I dunno, something about today made me want to finally pick it up. I love Aimee Mann after all!

I'm about to start dinner, something easy and low calorie since my diet isn't going very well right now. I'm thinking shredded pan-fried chicken breast with carrots over some rice. We have a rice cooker so rice is easy.

At least I know rice wont fail me :)

XoXo Hugo